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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26129086">if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/k21/pseuds/k21'>k21</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>That '70s Show</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Eric Forman, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, gay realization</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:14:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26129086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/k21/pseuds/k21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>eric's internal monologue + a conversation on the drive home during s1e11 (aka, after buddy kisses him, and - though he tries not to - he realizes something about himself)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eric Forman/Buddy Morgan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i really wanted to write and post something for these two, and this idea came into my mind and seemed like something i might be able to pull off, so here it is!</p><p>of course, here's a disclaimer that the homophobia inside the mind of a teenager in the 70s does not reflect my actual views. </p><p>also, the title is from "the 1" by taylor swift ! it feels like a perfect song for these two :o)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eric was NOT gay. Not at all. Right?</p><p>He had to have been the straightest guy in all of Wisconsin. He had a girl he really liked and had liked for pretty much his entire life. Being around her and talking to her made him feel great. Kissing her made him feel great too, and even just thinking about her made him feel great. He felt like it was fate that they were gonna be together, even if the journey to that was still a little rocky. They were a match made from the moment they met, and everyone knew it. He didn’t have to think about it that much - he just knew that he liked her and that was that.</p><p>So then why did his new best friend kissing him give him so many thoughts? The first off the bat was of course: Buddy was gay?? Why didn’t he see that before? He guessed, yeah,  he didn’t spend much of his time ogling Jackie or Donna when he would hang out with the whole group. Eric had thought it was just because he was more respectful than the other boys. And yeah, sometimes Buddy seemed to look at the boys in TV shows and movies a little differently than the rest of the group. Well, Eric couldn’t think of a straight explanation for that one - it just didn’t strike him until now. Now that he knew. </p><p>Another thought was one that made Eric incredibly uncomfortable to even have in the back of his mind - but soon enough, it made its way to the very front and wouldn’t budge. There’s no way that kiss felt right, right? It felt way different than kissing Donna. It felt.. exciting. Not to say that kissing Donna wasn’t exciting, of course. She was great, seriously. Eric liked her, absolutely. She was incredible and kissing her gave him butterflies in his stomach, like he was finally gonna be with her and they were gonna be the couple they were always destined to be. </p><p>But he guessed, he never really knew for sure what that was supposed to feel like. When he kissed Buddy it was only for about 3 seconds, tops, before Eric’s instincts kicked in and he pushed him away. Because Buddy was a boy, obviously. But even in that short time, it caused Eric to feel something he’d never felt before. It made him feel like he was doing something that, while being completely wrong, was also completely right. Almost like he was floating. And, like he wanted more. </p><p>But he didn’t. Right? He wasn’t gay. He’d made that awfully clear to his friend. And he did truly believe it. </p><p>But… </p><p>He had to admit he had never really thought about it before. It was just something he knew. He was straight because he liked girls, and boys who liked other boys were unnatural and weird. If he didn’t already know that, his dad had sure as hell drilled that into his head every time he saw any kind of homosexual activity anywhere. Though he couldn’t remember specific words, one of the tamer remarks had to have been along the lines of “If you ever end up like that, my foot is gonna end up in your ass”. </p><p>But had he ever really thought about it for himself before? He knew that being gay was wrong because he’d been brainwashed into thinking that way. Buddy was really cool. He didn’t seem wrong at all, but by pre-conceived standards, being gay made him wrong. </p><p>These exact pre-conceived standards were definitely apart of what made Eric so uncomfortable thinking about the entire situation. The possibility that he was gay made him want to crawl into a hole and never come out, and he had no clue why. Was it because he knew people would think of him the way he was thinking about gay people 5 seconds before? Was it because he couldn’t come to terms with it himself? Was it because he knew his dad already hated him and didn’t need another reason?</p><p>But the kiss…</p><p>It felt rebellious. Not the same rebellious as trying to steal alcohol for him and his friends, no. Definitely not the same rebellious as hiding certain magazines under his bed. It was different, but he couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. </p><p>His mind was no doubt scattered at the moment. Thousands of thoughts were flying in and out, some barely staying for a second, and some deciding to bury themselves in deep and never leave - even though he really, really wished some of them would. </p><p>Like the obvious one. </p><p>But Eric wasn’t gay. Not a tiny bit. He knew he liked girls, and it wasn’t possible to be straight and gay at the same time, right? Well, no. It probably was. </p><p>But if Eric wasn’t gay, why did he keep trying to sneak glances at Buddy while he drove? Why did he keep having an overwhelming urge to stop everything and kiss him again, no matter how much he tried to bury and deny it? And most importantly, though that last detail was definitely important, why did he keep thinking about this?</p><p>Would any other straight guy think this much about his male friend kissing him? Or would a real straight guy just brush it off and never think about it ever again? Why was Eric thinking about this so much? Was it because he was a homophobe and repulsed by his friend’s secret? Was it because he was shocked that Buddy had the guts to even do that in the first place? Was it because it was a quiet car ride and there was nothing else to think about? Or was it because it awakened thoughts Eric had subconsciously pushed back for 17 years?</p><p>Another thing to think about: Why did Buddy even kiss him in the first place? He’d said, “‘Cause we’ve been spending so much time together”. What the hell did that mean?? He definitely got the feeling that there was no way Buddy had kissed every other boy he’d befriended and hung out with. So why did he kiss Eric? Did he think there was a chance that it would’ve been reciprocated? That Eric was… like him? If that’s what he thought, why? There was no way he knew more about Eric than Eric knew about himself. And even then, since Eric wasn’t gay, there was no way anything about him gave off that impression. Right? </p><p>His mind went back to his feelings about what had happened. Again. Why didn’t he pull away for so long? Why was he so calm when he knew what was about to happen? Why did it feel like a nice escape for a few seconds before he came to his senses and knew he had to push him away? Why did he immediately feel bad about his reaction after he’d calmed down? Ok, maybe that one could be brought back to basic human decency. But other than that, there was no way the other thoughts would make any sense to some hetero guy in this situation. </p><p>He thought about all of Buddy’s words again. “It’s okay to be confused, Eric,”, in response to his conflicting feelings about his relationship. “Are you sure?” in response to him saying he wasn’t gay. “Well, I just thought-” in explanation of his actions. A comfortably gay person would know more about the gay experience, he guessed. If he wasn’t so damn uncomfortable and hadn’t already dug himself into such a deep hole of “you’re weird, that was weird, we’re not gonna talk about this”, maybe he would’ve asked Buddy more. But, as annoying and violent as the silence in the car was, maybe it was better than Eric questioning things out loud. Buddy never had to know if Eric did turn out secretly gay, right?</p><p>There’s no way he just admitted that to himself. Is this what all gay people go through? A long harrowing questioning period after their new same-sex best friend kisses them in a Trans Am after seeing Car Wash together?</p><p>But then again, he felt like, if he was gay, Buddy had a right to know. It had to be hard to be a gay teenager in a state like Wisconsin and in a decade like the 70s. And the more Eric thought about it… the more he wanted Buddy to know. The more he thought it might be nice to kiss him again (and the more he didn’t immediately try to banish that thought from his head). The more he kind of yearned for some kind of relationship with him. </p><p>But that was crazy, right?</p><p>Screw the painful comfort of the silence. “Look, I’m not gay.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Buddy said. He could tell in Buddy’s voice he was trying not to sound hurt from the whole situation. He felt terrible. </p><p>“I’m sorry for freaking out. It wasn’t cool of me,” Eric said, trying to calm his breathing down in preparation for what he planned to spill in this conversation. </p><p>“It’s fine. I haven’t really come out to many people, but I’m always expecting a reaction like that, so mentally, I’m used to it,” Buddy said, laughing a bit near the end. So it was something he had to deal with. If anything, that made Eric feel worse. </p><p>There was a silence as Eric swallowed and built up his courage. It was now or never, right? The drive from the theater to Eric’s house wasn’t that long. “Is it possible to be gay and straight? You know, at the same time?”</p><p>Well, the cat was out of the bag now. </p><p>Buddy almost looked like his face lit up at that question, but he tried to hide it. “Uh, yeah, it is. I think they call it bisexual. I could be wrong, though. I’m obviously not too in touch with the whole gay scene. Kind of not allowed to be in this climate.”</p><p>Bisexual. The name definitely made sense. </p><p>“Yeah. I’m sorry you have to go through that,” Eric said, not sure if he wanted to dive deeper into his own sexuality in this conversation yet. </p><p>“Eric, stop apologizing,” Buddy said, shrugging like he did to get through all awkward encounters and conversations. “It’s all good.”</p><p>Eric nodded and, once again, sat in silence. “If I were, you know, bisexual,” he started after a bit, wanting to say the words out loud. “Um, would, uh-” He didn’t know where he was trying to go with that. He looked at Buddy, and Buddy glanced at him for a second, with the softest, sweetest smile on his face. </p><p>And so, on pure impulse, Eric leaned in. </p><p>And of course, Buddy turned back to facing forward. “I really like where you’re head’s at,” he said, laughing. “But I’m driving.”</p><p>“Oh, right. Sorry.” A dumbass move. </p><p>“But, we can pick that up later,” Buddy smiled, stealing another glance from the road to look at Eric. It took a bit to come to a safe and comfortable conclusion, but Eric decided he could definitely get used to that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you enjoyed!! it's a little sporadic, but i feel like a mind in this situation would be.</p><p>i love these two so much and really wish there was more content of them on here :((</p><p>if you enjoyed and want to - kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!! thank you !! &lt;33</p></blockquote></div></div>
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